THE QUESTIONS WE'RE OFTEN AFRAID TO ASK
Updated: 9 hours ago
Notice. Listen. Ask.
What We’ve Learned About Suicide Prevention.
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, but at Sound Choice Mental Health, this is something we think about all year long. One thing our work has taught us is that suicide prevention can begin well before someone becomes suicidal.
Think about the weather. A shift in the wind or a darkening sky doesn’t necessarily mean a storm is coming, but you notice it. You pay a little more attention. People give us signals, too. Maybe someone seems quieter than usual, their routine changes, they’re pulling away, going through something difficult, or just don’t quite seem like themselves. None of these things necessarily means someone is suicidal, but they can be a reason to check in.
Notice When Something Has Changed
Someone can be struggling deeply and still go to work, care for their family, laugh with friends and tell you they’re “fine.” Distress doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. What matters is knowing the person in front of you. Are they pulling away? Sleeping more or less? Drinking more? Giving things away? Talking differently about themselves or the future? Do they simply seem unlike themselves?
One change may mean very little. But several changes, changes that are becoming more noticeable, or changes following a loss or difficult life event are worth paying attention to. You don’t need to decide what those changes mean. You just need to notice them. That’s often where prevention begins. Slow down enough to listen and don’t be afraid to ask, “How are you really doing?”
Look at What’s Happening Around Them
Sometimes it’s not a change in behavior that catches our attention. It’s what someone is going through. A loss, breakup, job change, financial stress, illness, conflict, caregiving responsibilities, becoming a parent, moving or another major life event can leave someone feeling overwhelmed or uncertain. Even changes we think of as positive can be hard. A new baby, a new job, retirement or a move can bring stress, exhaustion, isolation or a sense that life has suddenly become too much.
Don’t assume you know how someone is doing based on what’s happening in their life. And listen to what they are telling you. Sometimes the clearest signal is in the words someone is using:
“Nothing is going to get better.”
“I feel trapped.”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“There’s no way out.”
“Everyone would be better off without me.”
When changes in someone’s behavior, circumstances or language begin to add up, think of them like changing weather conditions. They don’t always mean a storm is coming, but they are signals to pay attention.
Be Present and Ask
We have more ways than ever to stay in touch, but being connected isn’t always the same as being present. When someone is struggling, your attention matters. Put distractions aside and give the conversation some room. Try not to rush in with reassurance, advice or a solution. Ask “How are you really doing?” and give them time to answer. Being present means making space for an honest response and staying with the conversation, even when what you hear is hard.
If what you are seeing or hearing concerns you, it’s time to be more direct. People can reach a point where emotional pain and hopelessness feel overwhelming. In our clinical work, many people have told us they don’t truly want their life to end. They feel exhausted, trapped and unable to see another way through the pain. People experiencing suicidal thoughts do not always say what they are thinking, which is why asking directly matters: “Have you been thinking about ending your life?”
Asking about suicide does not put the idea into someone’s head. It can give them the chance to say what they may have been holding inside.
If the Answer Is Yes
If someone tells you they are thinking about suicide, take it seriously, but try not to panic. You do not need to argue with them, convince them that everything will be OK or immediately figure out how to fix what they are feeling. Give them time to talk and really listen. When they are finished, it can be enough to say, “I’m glad you told me,” “You don’t have to handle this by yourself,” or “I’m here with you.”
In that moment, your role is not to solve everything. It is to help them stay safe, stay connected and know they are not alone. Stay with them and help them reach additional support.
You do not have to be a mental health professional to make a difference. You can notice when something has changed, make room for an honest conversation and listen without trying to fix everything. And when you are concerned, you can ask the question that may be difficult to ask.
You don’t have to wait for the storm. Notice the changes. Be present. Ask.
If You or Someone You Know Needs Help
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional distress, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If there is an immediate life-threatening emergency or someone cannot remain safely where they are, call 911 or seek emergency medical care.
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